Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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