That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
