I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you inspire me to be a worse person
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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