Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
