my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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