if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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