it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
