I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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