She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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