i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
