My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
