Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
