i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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