These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize