I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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