I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
