This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize