I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
