four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
