Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
