Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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