i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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