I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
