Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
