This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize