Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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