i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
