why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
