Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
