I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
