OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
