the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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