We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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