If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
