she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
well you can't waste a boner
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
It's never too late to be topless.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
