umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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