I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Randomize
