If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
