So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize