I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
