Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
