I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize
