I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
