I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Are we still banned from the library?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
