made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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