Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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