Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Actions speak louder than pants.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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