They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize