Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
