Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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