I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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