I cannot find my penis.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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