I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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