dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize