craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
