i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
