Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
