two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Are my feet made of real feet?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize