she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
