i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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